


State of Denial

by pastrysexual



Category: Persona 4
Genre: Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, Light Angst, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 15:54:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26850238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pastrysexual/pseuds/pastrysexual
Summary: Yosuke is no stranger to jealousy. Confronting his feelings, on the other hand, is a quandary he'd rather not face.
Relationships: Hanamura Yosuke/Narukami Yu, Hanamura Yosuke/Seta Souji
Comments: 5
Kudos: 90





	State of Denial

**Author's Note:**

> Can't believe I wrote a fanfiction for the first time since 2015 and it's a Persona 4 fanfiction. Definitely didn't see that one coming.
> 
> Anyway, I was thinking about Yosuke a couple of weeks ago and how much 14 year old me identified with him when I first played Persona 4, and this was the end result.

Yosuke Hanamura has never been a stranger to jealousy. 

He’s been a jealous person for as long as he can remember, and it’s a part of himself that he deeply resents. Even his affections for his friends are stained by that ugly feeling. When he lived in the city, it made it hard to truly feel close to anyone. Any fondness he should have felt was spoiled by unconfronted feelings of inferiority. Moving to Inaba is the worst, and Yosuke knows the anger he feels towards his city friends for getting to stay is unfair, but he feels it nonetheless. Months after his move from the city- after the longing for his old life and friends have faded- the things that linger are boredom and the feeling he gets deep in his chest that says _it's not fair._ Why did he have to get cursed to a mind-numbingly dull life in the boonies when so many people lead interesting and exciting lives? Life passes slowly, and Yosuke’s aimless existence drags on.

Then Yu Narukami arrives in Inaba and in Yosuke’s life. His entire life is irreversibly changed, and all of the sudden he no longer has to yearn for a more exciting life, for adventure. He has what he’s always wanted most in life: a purpose. He’d bet he’s one of the most important people in Inaba, maybe even in all of Japan. The investigation team and the TV world are an adventure that no one else has ever been on.

But Yosuke knows it’s not all fun and games. There are _lives on the line,_ for one. He’s forced to face the ugliest parts of himself, and yeah, he’s always known deep down that that self-absorbed, shallow person is _him_ , but that doesn’t make being forced to accept it any easier _._ Having Yu there with him is a blessing and a curse. On one hand, he almost certainly wouldn’t have survived without him, but it comes at the cost of Yu knowing what sort of person Yosuke is right from the start. 

Yet Yosuke learns to find Yu’s awareness of who he really is strangely comforting. Yu’s the only person that’s witnessed the ugliest parts of him, and within a few days of knowing him suddenly Yu knows him better than anyone ever has, and he _stays._ That voice in the back of his mind that tells him that once someone sees him for who he truly is, that they’ll turn their back on him doesn’t even have a chance to take root with Yu. It’s no wonder that Yosuke gets attached.

Being best friends with one of the coolest and most competent and frankly _weirdest_ people Yosuke has ever met is a unique experience. He can’t help but feel a strange sense of prideful satisfaction that his partner is so cool. He’s happy for Yu when he scores at the top of the class when exams roll around, and he gets a warm feeling in his chest when he watches his partner lead the investigation team with such ease. But the ugly parts of him get a say too. Sometimes being friends with Yu feels like leaving the city all over again. He feels the same desperate desire to have what someone else has. He sees Yu casually chat with various girls around town, he watches him balance two jobs and a part-time gig folding paper cranes. He knows the answer every time Ms. Kashiwagi calls on him in class seemingly off the top of his head. He has a bowl haircut and he somehow makes it work. So who can blame Yosuke for being jealous of his best friend? 

When Rise Kujikawa arrives in Inaba and joins their small team, things start to get a little unclear. She’s undeniably gorgeous, and he’s been a fan of Risette since her debut. Beyond that, Rise is sweet and optimistic and charming, and of course, Yosuke notices how she smiles at Yu. She’s not subtle about her affections and Yosuke’s throat tightens every time he sees it. But Yosuke is confused. Things started to change shortly after they rescue Rise from the TV world. He can’t quite place his finger on it, but things don’t feel right. In all of his daydreams of meeting Risette in person, they usually involved him sweeping her off her feet and her falling head over heels for him. He’s definitely not surprised that that doesn’t happen, and frankly even less surprised that the person she falls for instead is Yu. But what _is_ surprising is how he feels about it. He’s jealous, and that much he expected, but the person he can’t help feeling unfairly resentful towards isn’t Yu, but rather Rise. Rise is a sweet girl, and he doesn’t blame her for having a crush on Yu, so he pushes the feelings as deep down as he can and tries not to dwell on it. 

The realization hits him in the June food court. 

The investigation team is meeting before exams to study- or in Yosuke’s case, hope for the best. They’ve just arrived, and so far only Yosuke, Yu, and Rise have shown up, yet Yosuke already finds himself unable to focus. But the thing that continually distracts him is not the way Rise laughs at a comment Yu makes, or the adorable way she tilts her head, it’s _Yu_. Yosuke catches the familiar small smile he gives to Rise. It’s not the practiced, polite smile he offers to those that hang around him, but rather the small private smile that Yosuke knows is genuine. He ends up staring at Yu’s mouth when he talks. That ugly feeling in his chest is back, as it often is when he watches them interact, but this time he can’t quite pinpoint _why_.

_He shouldn’t be smiling at Rise like that._

Yosuke freezes when that thought enters his head uninvited. He feels vaguely nauseous, and he decides that he needs to get the hell out of there _immediately_. He offers his friends a lame excuse about having to help out at home and flees from the Junes food court as fast as he can. But not fast enough that he doesn't notice his partner’s furrowed brow and confused frown that Yosuke knows means his lie is as unconvincing as it feels. 

The walk home is a brisk and panicked one. Deep down, Yosuke has an inkling where that thought came from, and why, but he does his damnedest not to think about it. Yosuke dodges his mom as effectively as he can when he gets home and quickly locks himself in his room. Teddy will be home soon and Yosuke only has so much private time to freak out before he has to deal with him. As soon as his door is closed he tugs his headphones over his ears and turns up his music as loud as it will let him. He throws himself down on his bed and stares wide-eyed at the ceiling while his rational mind tries to catch up with the rest of him.

_Shit, shit,_ shit _. There’s no way I have feelings for my best friend._

Surely there’s another explanation. A perfectly normal, _heterosexual_ explanation. He’s not _gay_ , certainly. He likes chicks! Yosuke takes a deep breath in an attempt to calm his racing heart. He thinks back to the last time he had been alone with Yu. They had been doing homework in Yu’s room. Which consisted of Yu quietly and diligently completing his homework while Yosuke bitched about his recent shift at Junes. Yosuke wouldn’t have minded if Yu had ignored him, as he knew that Yu had invited him over for the express purpose of working on homework, but Yu had listened to him with the same amount of diligence. He smiled in amusement at the right moments during Yosuke’s story about a customer’s annoying kid, and every once in a while he would comment during the breaks in Yosuke’s otherwise endless rambling. Yosuke was very used to being ignored, and while he wouldn’t have blamed Yu for doing so, it still felt nice to be listened to. Yu had positioned himself so he was sitting in the patch of sunlight provided by the singular window in his room, with Yosuke sitting opposite. Yosuke had taken note of his friend’s affinity for sitting in warm, preferably sunlit places. 

_Just like a cat_ he couldn’t help but muse to himself. Not that he was complaining. Yu’s hair looked nice when it was illuminated by the sunlight. Yosuke didn’t know anyone else with such an odd hair color, but he didn’t think anyone else would be able to pull it off like Yu somehow managed to. Even with his goofy haircut. It always looked so soft, too. Yosuke wondered how it would feel if he ran his hands through--

Okay. So maybe not a normal, heterosexual explanation. Yosuke presses the heels of his palms into his eyes and lets out a shaky breath. 

After the crap that he gave Kanji about his shadow, there is absolutely _no way_ Yosuke could ever live it down if anyone in the investigation team found out about this. Besides, _Yosuke isn’t gay_. Confusing feelings about his best friend aside, women are still hot. Even though his crush on her had gone away once he had gotten to know her, Yosuke still could appreciate Rise’s looks. The same goes for Yukiko, and even Chie’s tomboy thing has its appeal. He thought of the dirty magazines he uses for inspiration when he jerks off. There was certainly nothing _masculine_ about the soft curves of the women in those magazines. Yosuke tries to picture a faceless man in his underwear. Yeah, no appeal. Broad shoulders and a muscular chest and every other thing Yosuke assumes a gay guy would find attractive does absolutely nothing for him. Tentative relief fills his chest. He’s still straight.

And yet… Yosuke can’t help but admit that for a guy, Yu is not bad looking. He has dorky, soft-looking hair that he makes look _good_ , as well as piercing, grey eyes that definitely have something to do with how popular he is with women. There is nothing _feminine_ about the harsh lines of Yu’s muscular body, but even that doesn’t seem so bad when it’s Yu. Yosuke sits up abruptly. He’s getting nowhere but panicked and confused. He decides that maybe he’s just delusional from lack of sleep. _I’ll just return to this tomorrow morning when I have my head on straight_ Yosuke decides. He can’t help but let out a strained laugh at his poor choice of words. 

Unsurprisingly, Teddy bombards him with a barrage of questions when he arrives home to see Yosuke already in bed. He brushes them off and rolls his eyes when Teddy asks him if he’s dying, but he just wishes Teddy would leave him alone. He gives him a lame excuse about not feeling well and Teddy reluctantly agrees to go to bed early too. Also unsurprisingly, it takes Yosuke a very long time to fall asleep. He spends most of the night staring at the ceiling. For some reason, he keeps replaying his mostly one-sided conversation with Teddy. He hadn’t been lying when he told Teddy that he felt sick to his stomach, but he was lying when he told him he didn’t know the reason why. 

* * *

A week later and Yosuke still hasn’t managed to get his head on straight. 

Leaving his problem for the morning hadn’t helped- not that he had truly expected it to- and spending the next six days antagonizing over it certainly hadn’t helped either. The only real outcome is that he’s managed to distance himself from all of his friends. Ever since his abrupt departure from his study session with Rise and Yu, he knew his friends had definitely noticed how weird he was acting. He knew they had questions, and he’d received many worried looks over the course of the week. He didn’t miss the look Chie and Yukiko had given each other when he avoided talking to them before class by pretending to nap at his desk. The hardest person to avoid was Teddy, seeing as they lived in the same room. Yosuke had insisted that nothing was wrong and joked his way out of answering any of his other questions. Which only made the knotted ball of _guilt_ that had taken up permanent residence in his stomach that much bigger. Teddy could get on his nerves, sure, but he still didn’t like lying to him.

While Teddy was the most _difficult_ to avoid, Yu was the most _painful_. Yosuke had turned down several of his invitations to eat lunch together and had told him he had to cover for a sick coworker at Junes when Yu asked to do homework together. Yu seemed calm and unbothered as usual, but Yosuke knew him well enough to tell that he had been at least somewhat hurt by Yosuke’s odd behavior. He desperately wishes he had the courage to face his best friend. Three nights ago when Yosuke had been jerking off in the shower his mind had strayed to grey hair and broad shoulders and now he can’t look his best friends in the eyes. 

Yu and the investigation team are the best thing that’s happened to Yosuke in a long time-- possibly ever. And Yosuke is going to ruin it because he can’t get a hold of himself. He wishes he could go back to being jealous. Envying others is familiar; it’s _comfortable._ The way his throat closes up when Yu gives him a hurt look after he brushes him off for the millionth time this week is _not_. 

* * *

It’s a week and a half before someone finally gets fed up enough to bluntly confront Yosuke. Surprisingly, Chie is the one to do it. She corners him after class one day while he’s grabbing his things and preparing to bolt to avoid walking with anybody. She rolls her eyes when he throws out a flimsy excuse about having to help his mom with something at home and demands he accompanies her to the Junes food court. For a girl, she can be scary when she wants to be. 

Ironically enough, she brings them to the same table that he was sitting at with Yu and Rise when he had his life-altering realization. He knows he’s being uncharacteristically quiet, but she doesn’t push him, and he’s grateful that she’s willing to do most of the talking. While the two of them don’t really _gossip_ with each other, he’s cool with just letting Chie talk about whatever she wants while he nods when it seems appropriate. 

“--so I tell Ayame that she’s being rude.” Chie continues her story about a confrontation with a haughty third-year she had the other day. “She thinks just because she’s cute she can say whatever she wants. And, yeah, she is _really_ cute, but that doesn’t give her the right to say whatever she wants. Talk about stuck up.” 

Yosuke’s head snaps up from the mysterious blue stain on the table that he had been inspecting. Chie’s face is decidedly pink. 

“Wait just a minute,” Yosuke interjects “did you just say you thought a _girl_ was _really cute_ ?” He can’t help keep the surprise out of his voice. He hadn’t had the faintest idea that Chie liked girls _like that_. Although, he supposed she didn’t have the faintest idea that he liked boys _like that_. 

_Not boys_ , he reminded himself, _Just Yu._

Chie’s face was completely red now. He could practically see her hackles raise. 

“Yeah?” She snapped defensively. “Why do you care, huh? It’s not like I said I kissed a girl or anything!” If possible, her face got even darker. Yosuke raised both hands as if to say _no need to be so defensive, dude._ Chie glared at him for a few more seconds before visibly deflating and letting out a long sigh. 

“Look,” she began, “We’ve all obviously noticed how weird you’ve been acting, and we’re worried about you. Narukami-kun wanted to be the to talk to you, but he’s still not sure why you’re upset with him, so he asked me to do it.” 

Yosuke feels a fresh stab of guilt in his chest.

“You don’t have to tell us what's been bothering you if you don’t want to, but don’t forget that we’re a team! We can’t exactly catch a killer if you aren’t talking to us. And besides, don’t forget that we’re all here for you.”

Yosuke just stares at her in shock for a minute. The two of them didn’t really do touchy-feely crap, and it had obviously embarrassed her quite a bit to say that. But she was right; he _had_ forgotten that. They were a team, and he couldn’t just start avoiding them like the plague out of the blue. It wasn’t just about him anymore. Inaba was depending on them.

“I know I've been acting like a dick this past week,” he says while avoiding her eyes. “Things have been kinda… weird lately. And I’ve been dealing with some personal crap. But I shouldn’t let it affect the case. I’m not upset at Yu or anyone, so I’m sorry I’ve been so weird. And thanks.”

Yosuke definitely wasn’t ready to admit the reason behind his strange behavior, and he doubted he would be anytime soon. But it no longer felt like something he would _never_ talk about. He had a couple of apologies he had to make, and they definitely weren’t going to be fun. _Especially_ his apology to Yu. But he also wasn’t going to let his best friend think he had done something to upset him. 

“And don’t think I didn’t notice that you _totally_ changed the subject.” He teases, “I believe we were talking about that girl you think is _so adorable_.” 

“Shut it, Hanamura!”

Yosuke knew it would be a bit of time before he could act completely normal around his friends. But it wasn't Yosuke Hanamura VS. the world anymore. Yu and Teddy had seen the very worst of Yosuke and decided he was worth their time anyway. He thought to himself that he has a lot of soul searching to do, but for the first time in his life, he wasn’t alone.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not all that pleased with the ending, to be honest. I might come back and edit it one of these days. 
> 
> Also, it's been, like, 6+ years since I've played Persona 4, so I apologize if any of the facts or characterizations are off. I'm pretty bad at editing my own work, so if you see any mistakes or have any other critiques, please feel free to let me know!


End file.
